click No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. But trust goes much deeper than that. If you ended up with cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week by themselves?
Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes? These are hard things to do.
When is silence golden and when is it better to speak up? When to Speak Up and When to Shut Up offers practical guidelines for people who want to improve. shut down what down Ebook and lots of other ebooks can be downloaded by like Three Simple Rules for Marital Bliss Shut Up Drive and Write the Checks.
Trust at the beginning of a relationship is easy. But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence. What if she is hiding something herself?
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:. Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again.
But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you do. Figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, be happy yourself, then you each bring that to the relationship. You are supposed to keep the relationship happy by consistently sacrificing yourself for your partner and their wants and needs. There is some truth to that. Every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times. Just read that again.
A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. This is the person you chose. It will only backfire and make you both miserable. Have the courage to be who you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are. Those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place. But how does one do this? What do I mean? Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. Overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about and expose one another to. Among the emails, one of the most popular themes was the importance of creating space and separation from one another.
People sung the praises of separate checking accounts, separate credit cards, having different friends and hobbies, taking separate vacations from one another each year this has been a big one in my own relationship. Some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms or even separate bedrooms. Some people are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence.
BUT, more importantly, this inability to let our partners be who they are , is a subtle form of disrespect.
What does it say for your respect for yourself? Drives me nuts when I see women not let their husbands go out with the guys or are jealous of other women. We have changed faiths, political parties, numerous hair colors and styles, but we love each other and possibly even more. Our grown kids constantly tell their friends what hopeless romantics we are. And the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not giving a fuck about what anyone else says about our relationship.
I can get on board with that. Among major life changes people told me their marriages went through and survived: Amazingly, these couples survived because their respect for each other allowed them to adapt and allow each person to continue to flourish and grow. You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on.
You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial or not-so-superficial details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away. Much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. You have to fight. You have to hash things out. Obstacles make the marriage. John Gottman is a hot-shit psychologist and researcher who has spent over 30 years analyzing married couples and looking for keys to why they stick together and why they break up.
What Gottman does is he gets married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to have a fight. He asks them to fight. Successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, he found, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously. He has been able to narrow down four characteristics of a couple that tend to lead to divorces or breakups. The reader emails back this up as well. Out of the 1,some-odd emails, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing with conflicts well. But all of this takes for granted another important point: Be willing to have the fights.
Say the ugly things and get it all out in the open. This was a constant theme from the divorced readers. There were times when I saw huge red flags. Instead of trying to figure out what in the world was wrong, I just plowed ahead. And instead of saying something, I ignored all of the signals. You can be right and be quiet at the same time. In fact, his findings were completely backwards from what most people actually expect: To me, like everything else, this comes back to the respect thing. Compromise is bullshit, because it leaves both sides unsatisfied, losing little pieces of themselves in an effort to get along.
Conflict becomes much easier to navigate because you see more of the context. A similar concept seems to be true in relationships: But how do you get good at forgiving? What does that actually mean? Again, some advice from the readers:. And finally, pick your battles wisely. You and your partner only have so many fucks to give , make sure you both are saving them for the real things that matter.
One piece of advice that comes to mind: Some things matter, worth getting upset about. Like Chinese water torture: Is it worth the cost of arguing? Eventually your kids grow up, your obnoxious brother-in-law will join a monastery and your parents will die. You got it… Mr. You and your partner need to be the eye of the hurricane. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat seriously, someone said that — these things all matter and add up over the long run.
This seems to become particularly important once kids enter the picture. The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. A good marriage makes good kids. So keep your marriage the top priority. Make time for it. Sex starts to slide. No other test required. I still remember back in college, it was one of my first relationships with a cute little redhead. We were young and naive and crazy about each other. And, because we happened to live in the same dorm, we were banging like rabbits.
We fought more often, found ourselves getting annoyed with each other, and suddenly our multiple-times-per-day habit magically dried up. To my surprised adolescent male mind, it was actually possible to have sex available to you yet not want it. It was almost, like, sex was connected to emotions. For a dumb year-old, this was a complete shocker. That was the first time I discovered a truth about relationships: If the relationship is good, the sex will be good. You both will be wanting it and enjoying it. When the relationship is bad — when there are unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions — then the sex will often be the first thing to go out the window.
This was reiterated to me hundreds of times in the emails. The nature of the sex itself varied quite a bit among couples — some couples take sexual experimentation seriously, others are staunch believers in frequency, others get way into fantasies — but the underlying principle was the same everywhere: But sex not only keeps the relationship healthy, many readers suggested that they use it to heal their relationships.
Please understand, when you marry, through your vow, you voluntarily forfeit or are supposed to some of that me-first mentality. The good of the union is supposed to outweigh the individual's preferences. For both of you; so if he isn't putting you and the marriage first, it's a breach as well. Cuz you still better not step out on me. Or we change, or get bored, or whatever. Truth is, monogamy is like asking a guy to eat the same meal, every meal, the rest of his life. Even folks in China don't do that.
Men aren't built to be comfortable with that choice. They CAN do it, but it's a lot to ask. And ask it, we do. Like some kind of Soup Nazi! But to with hold if he initiates, or give him attitude? I know I need hugs and cuddles and kisses from my man like I need air. I shrivel without it. How can you call yourself a compassionate spouse and not be responsive to his needs? If he's a good guy, toeing the line in the marriage and life and with the kids, what's up with that?
Find out, and fix it, or accept that you probably don't have the right mindset to make a marriage work. They will do everything in their power to engage a spouse intimately to the best of their ability. If one DOES believe in chastity within the context of marriage, then they, by default - believe in adultery. If non mutually agreed upon chastity is proscribed to an unwilling spouse, then the person proscribing it can expect adultery to happen eventually.
You do not get to practice sexual autonomy over yourself and your spouse. Beware - if you take sexual and intimate interaction off the table for the LONG haul, your spouse, more likely than not, will get it elsewhere and you will get "friend zoned". Mary, Thanks for clarifying. Your response was very well stated.
I wonder, are you a lawyer, or what do you do? Coming out of my separation, I saw a lot of advice especially from male authorities, it seemed, to "fake it till you make it" in the libido department. I, as a woman, a feminist, and a human being, initially was infuriated at the suggestion that I should pursue relations in a situation where I didn't want it.
But, I have come to see that I was missing the point. I believe that what they are getting at is not so much "Do it despite your feelings. So, adjust as needed. When you take vows of fidelity, you are essentially promising to fullfil your partner's needs single-handedly so to speak; don't get me laughing, and he or she to fulfill yours. It's not always the easy task you "engageds" think it is going to be. You find pretty quickly that as alike and "made for each other" as you may be, you are still different people and will, at times, have different needs and desires.
Libido ebbs and flows, and not always in sync. It can be difficult. But to simply take the stance, "I'm good, no thank you," and roll over and not address his needs is unfair. To not recognize that his needs actually are NEEDS and validate them, and not shame him or repudiate him for having them, is the only way to be an empathetic, compassionate, and caring wife.
I don't want to be ignored if I want hugs, kisses, pillow talk, etc. Both people have to WORK to keep their partner happy. You signed up for the job. You indicated in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable to you for anyone else to step in and perform in this capacity in your place. If you want this relationship to last, step up, and do it cheerfully. Be grateful that you have a lover that wants you.
And no, this is not like starving children in Somalia. You can't send them your dinner, either. You may even find, once you're in the middle of the frisky, you're actually pretty glad you're there. But if you don't hold up your end of the bargain, the deal is broken. He's going to get his needs met somewhere else, or be miserable, and neither of those should be acceptable to you. If you are with-holding sex because you are angry, that's different. It's still wrong, because he still has needs, and you are holding him hostage. But you need to seek counseling together, to get over whatever is making you angry, so you can both enjoy sex again.
But no adult should hold another physically or emotionally hostage to get their way, or win arguements, or for any other trifling reason. That word WORK is not emphasized nearly enough to kids when we teach them about relationships. Roll up your sleeves. The marital love will die. And the rules of sexual fidelity carries with it rights AND big responsibilities. The duty of care within the context of marriage is enormous, and that includes sexual interaction. If one chooses to ignore their responsibilities normally while enjoying all the other perks of marriage , to unilaterally disengage sexually and to fail to sexually care for their spouse, they lose the right to expect their spouse to abide by the rules of sexual fidelity.
You don't get BOTH. Especially after having a total hysterectomy in April, due to cancer of the uterus! Hello, things are dif down there, not to mention I don't know if I am cancer free yet.
Right now I just want to be cured, and gain some weight. I am 88 lbs! So yeah, put things in perspective please! I get the give and take, but when you go thru something major like I have Yea, I can't say I have been in that spot, and I can see how that would be really difficult. Of course everyone's situation is going to be different, and I can only wish the two of you luck dealing with your recovery and the stressors that come with it.
You are sick, and he is there for you. What an immense blessing that is. Make sure you do everything in your power to let him know how much that means to you. There are ways around intercourse. And ways that are not sexual. But let him know. He needs to be reminded. Wishing you peace, love and healing. I totally agree with your comment JS.
This attitude can only feed into a false self and make people more disconnected from themselves. No one is entitled to another person's body. Or to their conversation or attention. Or to their continued fidelity. Whether the analogy is appropriate I would think depends on how much each party values conversation and sex.
I agree that this article specifically singles out women as the most responsible to carry out these "simple rules", and most, if not all, of the comments are posted by women. Seems to boil down to if there is a problem, like for example he doesn't talk with you much or show much affection, the action to take to engage him in the marriage is to initiate sex, give him sex whenever he wants, even if you don't feel like it -sex, sex, sex. During my 20 year marriage, I followed this idea.
I enjoyed sex, although I didn't want it as much as he did. Nevertheless I delivered because I always tried to be as good as a wife as possible in every way. At 60 years old I got bladder cancer, which involved surgery and very painful treatments using dead TB virus to scour the lining of my bladder. After the first surgery, I had to have a catheter and urine bag for a week. After a month of being able to deliver sex, my husband alienated from me, and soon divorced me. Now four years later we two old people are still single. My opinion is that we women take most the responsibility and blame for the marriage, and I hope one day that will change and it can be a true partnership.
First, with a couple where one partner prefers once a week, and the other prefers every night, a compromise of three times a week would result in the low-desire partner having sex times a year when she typically, it's a she, but not always doesn't want to. I don't know about you, but it would start to get old for me at about the 45th time.
Second, I HATE the idea of giving any message to women and girls that they should have sex when their bodies don't want to. I can see teen girls reading this, or pre-marriage women with boyfriends reading this, and thinking that sex is something to engage in because your b. If the drives don't match, don't think that's a small obstacle. Unfortunately, if you get married young, you may not know your drive well enough to discuss it.
Divorce is the closest thing to hell we have. If you are going to do the sex thing, do it fairly. No, don't "give in" if you don't want a sexual relationship. But if you agree to be sexual, it needs to be his terms and yours, not just his, not just yours. Recognize it as a responsibility, though, if you are demanding a monopoly on the market. And one of the changes that happens over the course of a marriage is that, for many women, sexual desire falls off the table.
Talking about sex before a marriage starts is a good thing for sure. But assuming that both partners will feel the same way five, ten, and twenty years down the road is naive. The issue is what happens at year fifteen, when the man still wants sex five times a week and the woman has slid from wanting it five times to wanting it once, if that.
We reconciled 2weeks before he took a job states away.
He got a moving bonus for his family he never intended to take with him. He would come see kids and I one wkend out of the month. Calls became fewer and fewer. And when he would come home he just seemed very cold. I begged for reassurance he refused to give. Then came the i dont live you anymore…. I Filed for divorce yesterday. The tears are slowing…I would ball uncontrollably almost daily. Just burst into tears…I would have to run to the restroom so kids wldnt see me…. I love him with every fiber of my being. And never wanted kids to not have him everyday.
Basically he left us because him and I were not inlove…. My kids are just as lost as I am. So many hopes and dreams trashed. I am getting stronger everyday. I have the most wonderful children to keep me going. It definitely does feel like a death. But we are going to be fine…God is with us he will never leave us. I was an abused wife and communicated this fact to the attorney, she was the 1st person before the cops got the report of the sexually abuse by a minor 3 weeks after filing for divorce.
Child felt safe after he was gone. Got proof of his cheating, as he changed a credit card that was in both our names. He removed me and placed the mistress and her HOME address. The credit card company sent the request to update to his formal residence—where he abandoned his vows and his children. This was during the time he knew i filed for a divorce.
More stupid you ask: The attorney has these items. So much damaged he has done over the 15 years of marriage and he walks still free. His lawyer was paid in full while mine accepted my case knowing fully that i was without a job and had little money. She said she would budget but what she really did is reflected on how she handled my case. My lawyer says i did not loose anything, I really have gained. She did not informed me of 2 court dates that i know i should have been there after speaking with the court coordinator via phone after checking the court website something directed me to check it.
I would have missed the Trial by Merit too if it would not for my that something leading me to check the website. God will provide as He has promised. It all looks bad, but i believe that as a good and committed wife and mother, step mom, sister in law, ect, and standing on the word of God, good will do a better job of making any crooked place straight. Daniel did not pray this for this favor or compassion, it was because God saw the need for His child who was acting in His will.
The 41 things not to do during a divorce, is only for those who do not walk in the word, and try to get things dishonestly. It all belongs to the Almighty God even our life, we cannot claim.
Greed will overcome her. She made claims that she did not keep and I know God will answer those prayers of His Children. I will give an update after the trial on Monday as she is not expecting me to be there. God continue grace over you and and your family. She only stayed with me because I gave her a home and supported her not because of love and that broke me because I love her so much!
But now I know that there is good people out there hopefully I can move along and find someone better that can appreciate everything we do for them. Just end it, why are you waiting? The longer you wait, the older you get. Admiring the time and effort you put into your website and detailed information you offer.
Thanks for the advice. I do have some questions if the ex to be changes their names on social networks like Facebook. What do you do??? If I file for a divorce and I made a mistake on the month I got married it July not June but we both sign would my divorce sill go though.
I am so glad that I happened upon this blog and writing. I was just told by my wife of 10years that she wants a divorce. There is so much to sort through from emotions, internet due diligence, health, legal preparations that this a refreshing look at things to do and not to do.
Why would my ex want me to change my name back to my maiden name so badly? That is solely up to you. He needs to mind his own business and not worry about your name. It is YOUR name now. You earned it by getting married. And now you and your children share the same family last name. I have found that keeping my married name is just easier for me and our kids. I think your ex is just trying to control what you do. If you move out, she or he can stay in this house without your having any recourse for as long as possible AND not have to pay rent.
It is only if both parties DURING the marriage were good communicators, worked together collaboratively, have the same values now and are trustworthy. If you answered no to any of these, then you will be sorely mistaken. And waste time and money. I felt that I was supposed to listen to what the mediator pushed for and I feel that she favored my ex and would pressure me to give in to his wants and she did not do it evenly to both sides only to his side. I did not agree but I still signed because I thought I had to or would be considered uncooperative with the courts.
I was so clueless and feel so stupid now! He smokes pot and drinks to much, has been verbally and physically abusive to myself and our sons who are now grown …. I have a poor support group.. I have no family here and most of his and our friends were mutual friends. I work in the medical field and not the legal field.. I am heartbroken and devistated even after the horrible things he did to us..
I am in therapy, I go to group therapies. My husband left us, his family, in June.. These men that just walk out without a single thought for what devastation they have left behind is abhorrent. There should be a special place in hell for them. How do I legally keep my husband from allowing his girlfriend into our martial home that we both own. I have the same issue.
We have a house upstate and he is bringing her there. She even posted pics of my bedroom on facebook! In short, he is not breaking the law. Best of luck to you, I know how you feel. You should get an order with your attorney. It took me two weeks to get the place but only because his parents pushed him and his mistress out. It took a couple of weeks to get the order that said he will pay for the place and let me and the kids dwell in there.
He must be narcissistic! The audacity of it. I have a quick question? Maybe someone else has gone through.
My husband and I are divorcing in Texas. We have been separated for 3 years now. I bought a used vehicle with my own money not quite a year ago. We have already divided everything. So tonight when I met him to drop off our children for his weekend he started taking pictures of my license plates and vehicle he has seen on many occasions and a picture of me. What in the world could all this mean? He could be trying to claim it as marital community property or try and make you split the value of it half and half. But I doubt he can do this because you were separated. He could just be playing mind games too.
It think means that it will more than likely be considered part of the marital assets, unless you had a written contract stating that all assets after separation would not be considered. I think your ex is planning on doing just that. My husband and I agreed to a separation and then things got ugly. He lives in Singapore with our 11 year old son. He said no attorneys. So I came back here, enrolled in school to finish my degree so I could help support the family because Ive been a stay at home mom for twenty years. I sent a really nasty text message mistake, I see. I got screwd over by my attorney with child support and he made child support only 50 dollars for 3 children under 5!!!
I asked him why would I want to have to modify it I just want a decent amount. My ex was emoployed and could pay alot more than that. You are vulnerable or feel more vulnerable during divorce so be careful! The silient treatment will and does drive the other side crazy. Some are just mean and hateful. Let the attorney do the talking while you collect!! A giant middle finger to the ex-wife randywallace. Apparently I am going to have personal use for this list — printing it off now!
Have never think about this and planned for that, but yeah its very helpful for the people who are running through such a stage. Definitely do not take your new wife to court with you when you have not finished up your divorce to your former wife of over thirty years. Our judge screamed at the new wife and kicked her out of the courtroom. The judge then smacked down my former husband on spousal support, raising it three times what it was. He has a new family, but our judge only cares about his former family. My former husband was an idiot to bring his current wife to court with him.
I am not a genius, but even I saw this all coming. And one other do, get the best lawyer in town, the one with the excellent reputation. Be prepared for a long siege, we are in year three, and be expected to make some financial sacrifices to pay your attorney. It rains in my house and my car is 15 years old. My former husband has traveled the world since we split and at first enjoyed a pretty good time with all his sweeties.
That ended, and it is going pretty darned bad for him now. He married the only sweetie who would have him five days after he lost his appeal. He is pro se as truly he thinks he is smarter than any attorney. He told the judge he cannot afford legal representation when he was threatened with jail this last time in court.
Very well written on divorce reality. This is a very good article on divorce that i found that may be helpful to those going through the proceedings. My husband of 23 years walked out on us…. I moved into our second home some 2 hours away from the house I have lived in last 14 years. We just got this second home and its funny suddenly he cant afford the low monthly payment of If i had moved into an apt the price for renting square feet in CA is I have a two bedroom place with a huge backyard and giant garage and sq ft for I think I did very well.
Our marriage has been over years ago. But living arrangements like that have to eventually end when one gets a new love interest unless both do and it works out they can still be mature enough to not get weird and butt hurt. My ex still talked as if we were a couple still when he raged on and on to my kids about me having a new boyfriend. And the fact boyfriend is twenty years my junior really made my ex go over board with the jealous comments. It would have been okay for him to have some young thing but not me.
I know he has played around a lot but he refuses to admit it. I find signs of it here and there over last 16 of 22 years. Ive been here now two months. I came here because my youngest son in the marines with a wife and three kids needed help after school looking after the children i would pick up from school and bring to their house just a few blocks away.
I havent worked in over 14 years. Prior to this i was using only my cell phone to apply at jobs needing help. My ex promised to get a fence quote right away that my neighbor agreed to go half on to keep my three dogs in our yard. The guy even paid me How do I prove he is hiding money from me?
I live in CA.
Wow I am so glad I stumbled on to this page. While ready comments it gives me encouragement. It is now a matter of relying on my mind and not my heart, being able to have the memories with fondnes and not let them take me back to the past or trying figure out what I could have done different. With the strength of God and lots of prayer I am on my way. Also let me say that I harbor no ill feelings towards my husband and pray that he will find the happiness he seeks since he could not find it in me..
The last time I saw him we got into another fight and he left. I have never met his family because they all live in Colombia. I am now giving up and I want to file for divorce. Any advice would be great. I filed for divorce cause my husband wants to move his crack head ex gf in ,he is verbal abusive, threatens to run me off I have multiple sclerosis. He is not fit to raise his grandson. This was very helpful since my divorce will be finalized on May I have a two year order of protection. I was told by his cousin to pack his things to be picked up. That was months ago. If they are not picked up by our divorce date then what can I do with that.
I am going thru a separation not a divorce yet but everything you listed my husband is doing to me. Idk what to do anymore. Talking to a girl he barely met.